A letter to you...
I'm sorry that it took nearly six years in order for me to be able to write this letter to you. But I have come to a place in my life where I'm able to do so gratefully. You are 1 of 7 brothers, you were a close friend, and someone that I looked up to. When you left it was so sudden and I never really had the opportunity to say goodbye and that I love you. Losing you was very hard on me and also the family. I was and I am still in disbelief at the things that took place the night of your death. You were so loving, cheerful, caring, thoughtful of others, your smile brightened up any room that you entered, you were the cool guy that literally EVERYONE loved. And to think that we lost you to foolishness continues to blow my mind.
Now all I have are the wonderful memories we made growing up as children and teenagers. The nights that we stayed up late watching movies, and sneaking all of the snacks while my mom and dad wasn't paying attention (we never got caught lol). The random pancake eating contests we had at my dad house in the mornings. The time when you got a 3.0 on your report card in high school and my dad just couldn't believe it (he was so happy lol). I remember when I was going to high school for the first time. You told me I couldn't date anyone, unless people would say that I am promiscuous (your brotherly protection lol). My very first day of high school you introduced me to almost the ENTIRE school and told everyone I was you little sister and to protect me. I can go on and on with so many fun times we had together as a family. But the last memory I have with you was at my grandmothers funeral. I had started my freshman year of college and I was gone for a few months. I remember coming home and you were there and we immediately starting joking and laughing. We were laughing so hard my dad got mad and we ALL got in trouble (yes for laughing lol). At the home going for our grandmother I just keep following you and the boys around and photo bombing all of your pictures. You got so annoyed, and said "Dez you are in college now it is time to grow up lol".
Your death was very very hard on me. Especially being away for college with no family around that could understand the pain I was going through. The drinking and partying increased significantly. You see, I tried to drink and party my pain away but that only made me feel emptier. I was angry on the inside of me and it reflected in my behavior towards others. My life was in a downward spiral, I tried hiding the pain until one day I just couldn't take it anymore. During this time of my life I had a choice to make. I can either continue on the path of destruction or I can seek God for his healing and comfort.
What I began to realize was that no amount of drugs, alcohol, money, sex, or anything contrary to the word of God will take away the pain. After I would come down from that high, drunkenness, or have that orgasms, spend a load of money, the reality of you being gone was still starring me in the face. It was only the love of God during this time of my life that could take me to a place of healing, peace and comfort. It sucks that it took me to experience a tragedy in my life in order for me realize how much I needed God. From this experience I learned things about myself but more importantly I learned more about God. The transformation that took place on the inside of me, from brokenness and destruction to wholeness and peaceful.
If anyone out there is experiencing a loss in there life, take it from me I lost two brothers in the year of 2012 within 8 months of eachother. Trust me God is your source and will heal the brokenness that's on the inside of you. The pleasures of this world is only temporary and disastrous it will not remove the pain from your life. But God can and he will, you have to take the steps to seek him. He will bring you to a place of completeness, love, peace and happiness. The awesome thing about God is that it doesn't matter who you are or the situations you have experienced, there is still healing waiting for you to receive it.
God is a mater at healing....
I Love You All